DeeZ Picks Week 8

Jake lays it all out on the Cowboys

Cowboys’ silver linings, Cowboys’ silver linings, Cowboys’ silver linings…ummm, let’s see…give me a sec… hold on…shit, c’mon bro, folks are waiting…ooh, okay: Dak’s engagement pictures were GORGEOUS, right? And the Cowboys lost a game by less than 35 points! What else…hey, a big game was played in NorCal in October and there wasn’t an earthquake! Zeke didn’t play any offensive line! CeeDee had a huge fantasy night! A guy that was a Pro-Bowl running back a few seasons ago had 22 yards from scrimmage! Charlotte and Jerry Jr. survived an attack on their vehicle by a rogue barricade outside the stadium! It only took 90 minutes for me to cry myself to sleep after the game! Jerry’s one day closer to the crypt! SEE!!! ALL IS WELL IN COWBOY NATION!!! ‘MURICA’S TEAM, MOFOS!!!

Greetings, folks, it’s DZ Subscriber #3695 here. Another weekend of football is in the books, so it’s time to do what we do here at Vigorish Exercise. And what’s that, exactly? First, we’ll check in on how the folks participating in DeeZ Picks fared (spoiler: Jake struggled). Then I’ll make some mesmerizingly mid picks for a few of this weekend’s games. And finally, I’ll recommend a gambling movie that either you’ve never heard of, or you’ve seen dozens of times. It’s tradition, y’all, like the ‘Boys shitting the bed against the Niners. Let’s break bread…

DeeZ Picks Week 8 Redux

Host Picks: Dan has his first perfect week of the season, as he hit on just his second Triple Play of ’24 when the Browns outright beat the Ravens. Inspired pick, Daniel, and congratulations on climbing out of the DeeZ Picks cellar. I’d still like to verify the alibis for you, your mom, your brother, Rose, Bernie Kosar, Drew Carey, Tom Hanks, Jimmy Haslam’s fixer, Jameis Winston’s agent, Ricky Vaughn, Lefty from the Willie Nelson song, and South Bay Bessie for last Sunday afternoon around the time DeShaun Watson got hurt, but today you get to bask in the glory of perfection…Blake finally wins a forced pick game and also crushes his knockout pick, but the Commanders’ triple-zeroes Hail Mary win against the Bears ensured Mr. Jones a 2-3 week. As a result, he is now in last place roughly halfway through the season. Maybe it’s karmic, though, Blake; maybe you’re reaping what you’ve sown. To wit: I was all fired up to attend the DZ Cowboys’ Live Stream Sunday night, but at about 4:30 PM last Friday a guy walked into my office and handed me a piece of paper containing nonsensical phrases like “no less than 500 feet,” “surveillance and life invasion,” and “Mr. Jones or any member of his family.” It was very obviously a ruse (if you’re gonna make up a fake law firm in an attempt to prank somebody, don’t give it a name as ridiculous as “Frenkel & Frenkel”), but a lot of truth is said in jest, so I figured Blake needed some space. Which I was cool with. Very, very, very, very, very, very, very calmly and rationally cool with. Totally unrelated note: one of Dan’s across-the-street neighbors has a beautiful oak tree that is exactly 512 feet from the McDowell property…A week after posting a 5-0 mark, Jake goes ride-or-die with the ‘Boys and takes an 0-fer. I respect the shit out of it, Jake, I really do. We all knew how this was going to turn out, but I certainly appreciate your “Fuck it” mindset here. No Risk It, no Biscuit. I dig it…

I’ve an Erie feeling this was not random

Guest Picks: Jasmine rides the Demon Deacons to a 5-0 week and is now in third place. Wake Forest safety Nick Anderson made a game-clinching interception with less than a minute left to seal the win for his team, which is great and all; good for you, bud. However, Mr. Anderson, that doesn’t come close to making up for those free throws you missed in Game 1 of the ’95 NBA Finals. That cost 7^th grade me five weeks of snack machine money, asshole…Akaash is still in first place, but his 1-4 week has brought him much closer to the pack. For a second it looked like Green Bay (-4) would cover and Akaash’s Triple Play would hit, as the Packers had a 1^st-and-goal from the Jacksonville four-yard line with about a minute remaining in a tie game. However, Matt LaFleur elected to take a couple knees before sending in his kicker for the game-winning field goal, and that was that. The lesson, as always: Sports betting is a cruel, heartless, unforgiving bitch…Sirois goes 1-4 but remains in second place, albeit just a game ahead of the surging Jasmine Sadry. Mike was close to taking sole possession of first place in the league, but the Jayden Daniels to Noah Brown touchdown in D.C. with no time left closed that door. This was easily the most successful and consequential late-October Hail Mary in the Beltway since James Comey’s effort in ’16…After a 1-4 week, Chappy is now sitting right at .500 on the season and in fourth place, just two games ahead of Jake. It’s always been pretty cool to me that Jake’s been able to involve his old man in his various projects over the years. My son is only in the 4^th grade, but I really hope I get the chance to compete with him in a picks league someday. Not for the father-son camaraderie, no, but rather because he spends most of his time writing and drawing original comic book stories and doesn’t know ball for shit; I’d smoke him*.

*I told him I was mentioning him in this week’s edition and asked him if there was anything he’d like to say to the Dumb Zone Nation. He thought about it for a moment, then said, I shit you not, “No puppet.” Sometimes I wonder if I’m worth a damn as a dad, and other times I don’t.

The Week Ahead

Dallas Cowboys vs. Atlanta Falcons (-2.5) Nah, fuck this bullshit. I’m tired of reading about the Dallas Cowboys, I’m tired of thinking about the Dallas Cowboys, I’m tired of writing about the Dallas Cowboys, I’m tired of the existence of the Dallas Cowboys. I’m not picking this game. In fact, I’m not picking any games. Instead, here are some awesome Halloween costume ideas:

Super Sexy Stalin

You ever seen a picture of playboy when he was a young man? “Super Sexy Stalin” is both highly alliterative, and absurdly redundant.

The North and South Towers

This is a tandem costume, as you and a mate dress up like the respective WTC towers, take several shots of high-proof liquor each, and [REDACTED*].

*I’ve been informed I must wait until roughly mid-September 2026 to publicly finish this joke.

Bob Sturm

This one’s simple: all you need is a bald cap, some flip-flops, and the ability to be supremely talented at like seven different jobs. For maximum authenticity, outkick your coverage by 70 yards.

Jared Bushner

The former President’s son-in-law, but with a massive, untamable bush. And an undying allegiance to the House of Al Saud.

“May the 5th be With You” Yoda

Dress up as your favorite green Jedi, carry around and drink a handle of whiskey, and say things like, “Hmm, in less than 12 Parsecs I’d complete your Kessel run” to hot moms. Once you get really shit-housed, you can even start remixing lyrics from late ‘90s Nu-Metal songs. “For the Wookie, I did it all.”

Bryan Curtis

There’s no joke here, Bryan Curtis is awesome at everything he does. I promise I’m not pandering to him in the hope that he reads this and immediately tries to get me on at “The Ringer,” either. I just genuinely like the dude. Besides, it’s not like the powers-that-be over there would ever hire me; I can correctly pronounce the word “podcast.”

Drake/Lamar Beef

Another tandem/couples’ idea. We all know there’s no love lost between the universities in Des Moines, Iowa, and Beaumont, Texas. Those motherfuckers HATE each other. Have for years.

Slutty Helen Keller

So this is just regular, hot-as-balls Helen Keller, but with a twist: a tramp stamp that features an arrow pointing towards the butthole, paired with the words “Work This Miracle.” And it’s in braille.

Lee Corso

This one’s easy: Drink 27 beers, attempt to communicate using the English language, and maybe wear a stupid over-sized hat.

Gambling Movie of the Week: Runner Runner

“Runner Runner” stars Justin Timberlake, Ben Afleck, and Gemma Arteron. This movie is about online poker and is just…terrible. Truly awful. Ben Affleck was clearly here for the paycheck and free trip to Puerto Rico, and Justin Timberlake just plays “Justin Timberlake as white guy that works as a [insert job here]” in every film he’s in. Gemma Arteron (the nuclear hot red head in “Quantum of Solace”) is pretty good here, but man…not much good to say about this one. But I don’t want to just recommend great movies each week; they can’t all be “Rounders,” or “California Split.” Here’s an analogy: Sometimes you gotta eat McDonald’s to remind yourself how good a bone-in ribeye is, and that’s what “Runner Runner” is: McDonald’s. The E. coli tainted quarter pounder, to be exact. Just dreadful.

I’m out, kids, I’ve gotta get my own personal Halloween costume rigged up for Thursday. What will I be this year? I thought about going as “Prozac and B-Vitamin Fueled Sober Dad” for the third year in a row, but no. This year I’m going as “Dead Ball Era Taylor Swift.” Yes, it’s the world’s foremost pop star and all-time low MLB slugging percentages, together at last. “’Cause baby now they’ve scored one run/I don’t think we can catch up…”